Here’s what Squid Game would look like if it were set in the UK

Lebron James and Squid Game creator Hwang Dong-hyuk have got beef!

Okay, slight exaggeration on my part but the NBA legend got caught on a ‘hot mic’ telling his Lakers team-mate Anthony Davis exactly what he thought of the series one ending, which resulted in Hwang having a pop at Space Jam 2.

Now, to the 27 people in the UK who still haven’t seen Squid Game, do not read any further! You have been warned, spoilers coming up. In the very next paragraph. As in, right now.

Are they gone? Good. King James is right. I don’t know a single person who didn’t scream the same thing at their television as the closing credits rolled. Yes, exact your revenge but go see your kid first!

It’s still a brutal, bloody brilliant watch, and I can’t wait for series two, but there was one particular line in Hwang’s response to LeBron that caught my eye: ‘If he has his own ending that would satisfy him, maybe he could make his own sequel.’

Well, at some stage in the future, a western version of Squid Game will see the light of day, so I’m getting in early by presenting my choices for childhood games to be included in a British reboot.

I’m replacing the gruesome opener, Red Light Green Light, with What’s The Time Mr Wolf?

This involves a 20-foot robot version of The Front Man as ‘the wolf’, with players edging ever closer to him. When he eventually shouts ‘dinner time’, they have 30 seconds to return to the start line, or face elimination.

Doesn’t sound too exciting, right? Wrong. All 456 players are blindfolded. Absolute anarchy. Next up, the Honeycomb Game makes way for Knock Down Ginger, AKA Knock A Door Run, AKA Ding Dong Ditch.

Three giant doors, painted red, white and blue. In each round, three randomly selected players scale 12 huge steps, choosing a door as they arrive at the top.

They knock simultaneously and the doors slowly swing open. Blinding, heavenly lights beam from them and the sound of Land Of Hope And Glory booms out over the PA.

Behind two of them, nothing, as those lucky players walk into said light and into the next round. Behind one of them, a masked soldier. You know the rest.

Next, I need to seriously thin the numbers, so forget Tug Of War, I give you Noughts & Crosses.

The remaining players divide into two — half ‘X’, half ‘O’. A huge grid is suspended 100 feet above the concrete floor, and on come the players, one by one, from either side.

If a game is won, trap doors open on all losing squares. If it’s a draw, then three open at random. Twisted, I know, but this is Squid Game. What did you expect?

We move on. I’m ditching Marbles for Rock, Paper, Scissors. Players go in pairs, then must play each other over a period of 30 minutes until one notches up ten wins.

I suppose you could say, you are literally between a rock and a hard place. Only half survive.

For the penultimate round, I serve up a deadly version of Duck Duck Goose. A single human ring forms around a painted circle and with every chase another gruesome gap appears. Play dizzily continues until there are only two left standing, or sitting, as the case may be. For everybody else, their goose is cooked.

That brings me to my finale. What on earth could possibly replace the actual Squid Game itself? There is only one answer. The greatest childhood battle I know. Kerby!

A giant mock highway, with 30 metres between each kerb. The final two take it in turns to hurl a football across the road, trying to land an audacious direct hit on the opposite kerb. On the third successful try, the opposition’s footpath immediately and spectacularly blows up! End of the road, in every sense of the phrase.

So there it is. An early pitch for Squid Game UK and I apologise in advance to Hwang Dong-hyuk but in my version, at the end, he gets on the damn plane.

@colinmurray

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